Gotta Get My Big Girl Pants On

I wrote my last post about a week ago. Things have changed for me in the past week, but I still published it because I feel the ideas in the post have value.

I'm still talking to Guys A and B (lets call them JB and IM, from now on), but I am feeling much more for one than the other. JB hasn't returned from his trip to Indiana, so we're still only talked, but I've actually got to meet IM and see him in his comfort zone. I've met his parents, but invited to their Christmas.

Like I'm new to dating multiple people, I'm new to to concept of having to choose between guys.

I can't see a long term future with JB. Our beliefs are very different, I'm agnostic and he's a devote Christian. And while he says he values my opinions and thinks it's going to make for good conversations, I really can believe that it would be that easy . Even if he doesn't judge me, I feel that some of his friends will and his family. I can't pretend to be something I'm not, and I don't want to have to hide any aspect of myself.

We've already talked about sex and previous relationship. I look forward to having sex with my boyfriend, sharing that experience with him. In my view point sex isn't something that you should be ashamed of, it's just another aspect of life. JB regrets loosing his virginity and wants to remain abstinent until he finds a wife. I completely respect his decision, but it shows a serious clash in our opinions that can create tensions in a relationship, I don't want to become a regret if things didn't work out.

IM has an amazing passion for music. I have a wide taste in musical genres and while my tastes vary I don't have any real knowledge of the classics. IM does and his is enthusiastic to teach me. It's great that we can share that with each other. I like that he will just think of this perfect song that I have to hear. He's a normal guy and it's comforting. I can see him at family gathering and hanging out with my friends and there being no awkwardness.

His biggest issue is that he was cheated on by a previous girlfriend and the jealousy has already reared it's head. I truly hope that consistency, patience and honesty will help reassure him that if we take our relationship to the next level I am someone that he can trust.

Now I just have to approach this honestly.

Honesty for Single Girls

I recently read a very interesting article over on the site of the lovely Indie Chicks.

This is something I had to tackle recently. I've been dating, and seeing that I'm not in a relationship, I didn't see any qualms about seeing two or three guys at once. Dating multiple people is new to me, so I approached it in the way I felt would hurt everyone the least. 

Honestly.

Guy B asked why I couldn't meet him until much later. I told him Guy A had already asked for coffee date planned for that afternoon. And he shrugged it off! Although, what I thought was going to be a late afternoon coffee, turned into late night coffee and I had to take a rain check. I told him I was headed to dinner with Guy B. And yeah, he admitted he was disappointed, but we're still talking and going to the movies when he arrives back in town.

Honesty has paid off for me. And I have gotten to know some really great guys.

I'm Fuckin' Awesome!

After putting up with being put down for two years I have to come to terms with that fact that I am amazing and deserve so much more than he had to offer!

I am a redhead! There are only 2% of us in the entire world! You should treasure that rarity of my presence!

I'm going back to college. And I'm going to rock!

I became a manger at work in 3 months.

I am an awesome artist!

I am a truly honest individual.

I've lost 90 lbs in the last year.

Everything I have, I've paid for myself! This included college!

I am an awesome cook!

My sense of humor is wicked.

I'm am a plethora of useful, useless information. 

And you know this is a good practice. If you don't have the time to sit down and make an "I'm Fuckin' Awesome" List, make the time to tell yourself once a day, why you are the greatest!

BOOYAH!

I'm a college student, again!
I'm so excited. I start back in January. I'm going to juggle school and working full time and I am going to Succeed dammit! (Yes, it's important enough to capitalize!)
I'm starting out with your most basic or college courses. My only conundrum is Computer Sciences or Psychology, or even Art! Gosh. My future still feels so tenuous.
All the aptitude tests point me in the direction of computers and that is the field that offers the biggest job growth and security.
And psychology is something that has always interested me.
And art is my passion. My passion isn't very profitable, but I'm hoping that between the computer field and psychology there will always be room for art in my life.
I'm just super happy to be going back to school. Thought I would share that with you all.

Going Home

I went home this past weekend to visit with family and see some friends that I had gone too long without.

I made it out to my grandmother's place before she had made it home for work and I knew things would be different. Esspecially after my grandfather had passed this past October, but nothing prepared me to find the door locked.

To most that probably sounds crazy, but my grandmother's home was the one place everyone could go and feel welcome. You just walked in a said hello! You went to the fridge and got a snack, something to drink and just stayed a while.

My cousin was able to let me in the house, where I discovered a pleasant change! Grandma has Wifi! My aunt and uncle moved back home and got the house a connection, so I was able to pass the time very nicely.
I was a very good visit. I was able to see my younger cousins. My aunt and uncle, who was very impressed with the work done on my new tattoo. And I was able to talk with my granmother, which is something that I miss now that I am not living with her anymore.

She is the woman I try and model myself after. She's been such a strong role model, she raised her children and then a majority of her grandchildren, all the while being the breadwinner. The greatest compliment I could ever receive is being told, "You're just like Sue!" She's very important to me and I need to dedicate more of my time to our relationship. She is the one that encouraged my to go all the way across state for school! And she didn't make me feel like a failure when it didn't work out and I came back home. She understands my need for independence and doing things my own way whether it leads to success or failure.

When my aunt, nearly 50- years old and living back home with my grandmother (her mother) asked my why on earth I would want to move out to my own apartment. Grandma just threw her hands in the air and shouted "Independence!" Something she may wish that a few more members of the family had such desire for.

After I left the family home I made a pit stop in town and saw an old friend. Neither of us are having the easiest of times and it was good to have each other for a moment of support. There had been a time when I had thought that because our interests had diverged from one another that I had outgrown her and it was time to cut ties. I have not been an easy friend the past few months for her and the fact that she has no resentment toward me for it shows just how wrong I have been.

So what has this past weekend shown me? I most certainly need more of my family and friends in my life!

Apartment Living

Well, I've been apartment hunting for a minute now. After budgeting my pay I can afford something for around $335 a month. So no, I am not going to be living in luxary, but I may have a place to call my own!

Now here is my dilemma.  To have roommate or not to have roommate.
My Plan A: Save up enough money to get my own place (no roommate) for the deposit and rent for a couple of months. Under my schedule, I was going to be moving out of my parent's in February. This would give me the time to get all the household essentials together without killing my bank account. I need furniture, dishware, cutlery, cleaning supplies, towels, etc.

Plan B: I think this was kind of thrust upon me and I am really leery about it. I was contemplating getting a roommate to afford a better place. I mentioned this to a coworker and now that she's having marital problems she's offering to be a roommate. The problems start with the fact that I don't know her very well. We get along great at work. I think we could even be friends, but I don't know how well I can rely on her. She is in a big hurry to get a new place, but she doesn't seem to realize how long the process can take. She wants to move tomorrow, and the place I was able to find will be ready the 15th. What is worse is that I don't trust her budgeting skills. She says that this week she can contribute $80 to the apartment. We need to pay a deposit, the first month's rent and pay to have utilities turned on, probably around $800 to finish everything up.
The only saving grace about this place is if I have to pay the full deposit and utility activation myself, I can keep everything in my name. I can even afford the full rent on my own. So, if she completely flakes on me, I won't be obligated to keep her around and can find a different roommate. 

Living on my own, I wouldn't have to rely on someone to supply the other half of the rent and utilities, if something went wrong it would be my fault, my failure. If I have a roommate, it would make things that much more affordable and make going back to school easier to pay for. It's just scary having to rely on someone else for so much!

Everything is happening much faster than I would have preferred, but it doesn't mean the end of the world. I think I can do this. I just have to take the bitch-slap life dealt me and go on.

The Ex

I’m newly single.

I met my first real serious boyfriend when I was away at college. Oddly enough it was a boy from home that I didn’t even remember adding to my Facebook. He began chatting with me while I was at school and when I came home for Winter break we actually met for the first time. I wasn’t stupid about it. We met in a very public place, I got myself there and home.

I don’t want to say that he was abusive because I feel it is a very serious accusation that should never be tossed around lightly. He never hit me, maybe it would have been easier for me to leave if that’s what he did. No, he fed into my insecurities, and exploited them.

Before we even met I told him up front that I was a heavy girl. He told me the usual line, “I just care about personality, and you’re nice and funny. I don’t care how you look.” Then the very first night I stayed at his place we were cuddling when he asked how I felt about losing twenty pounds. (At my heaviest I was 283 lbs. I am now 190 lbs) That should have been it for me, but I knew that I was unhealthy and I needed a change, so I justified it in my head as him caring about my well-being.

While I was at school, I became very depressed and homesick, I stopped going to classes and rarely left the room. I decided it was time for me to withdraw from my classes and come home. That’s the first time he broke up with me. I remember him telling him that I didn’t fit into his mind set as a proper potential life. He helps run his family business and there was no way he could be respected with someone like me in his life. And then he told me “It’s really a shame because I will never find anyone better than me.”

Once I was home, I began talking with him again and we started seeing each other again. He told me up front that we had an “arrangement” but he’d treat me like a girlfriend, but that’s not what I was. Another red flag. After a few months, I was losing weight (2-3 lbs a week) and getting comfortable. That’s when I made the proposal of trying again as his girlfriend. He basically laughed at me and told me not to worry about it that I wasn’t competition against any other the girls he have never met. But I couldn’t walk away from him at this point. I went right back to him.

Then he began actively looking for someone else. His sister suddenly fixed him up with a girl she went to college with. And he told me he was once again done with me. A week go by and he calls me with his sob story of how the girl stood him up, and avoided him and finally told him that she wasn’t interested. I felt bad, it’s a shitty way for anyone to be treated and so I went back.

And then it happened again, guy he was working for said he had the perfect girl to fix him up with. And he actually turned the guy down. I know what happened at this point. He had gotten comfortable with me.

He had started calling me his girlfriend, which is something he had done when we went to parties, because he said it was easier than explaining our situation and embarrassing me, but he had starting doing it around the people that knew us and knew what was going on between us. He never really discussed the change with me, so I had to assume that nothing between us had changed.

One night he told me about a girl he was checking out at lunch and was disappointed that I wasn’t so enthusiastic. He told me that he was always disappointed that I never liked myself. The next night he broke up with me saying that I held me back. That when I visited I never made him study for his GED or practice his essay writing. It was my fault that he had not accomplished any of his goals.

We kept talking as friends; he went to meet a girl one of his coworkers set him up with. She didn’t like him. And once again he turned back to me. I’ll admit that I wasn’t to tell him no, but I didn’t jump and say yes. And that shook him.

We talked for a few more weeks and finally I let him see some of the pain he had caused me. For two years he was the only person to call me up and ask how I was doing, I felt like he was the only friend I had left and I did value that friendship, because we did have fun together. He introduced him to dagorhir and boffer sport that included three day camp outs and late night parties. We shared a joy of gaming, I’m a PlayStation girl and he always had his computer games going. He taught me how to play League of Legends, he liked that I was a gaming girl. We shared anime and manga. I taught him how to make awesome sausage gravy and chicken Alfredo. We did smile together and have fun. And that’s why I wanted to keep the friendship, but when I was finally honest with him I told him, “You’re a great friend, but you were a shitty boyfriend.” He told me he didn’t want to talk to me anymore.

I sent him a message on Facebook saying that I would still be his friend if he ever found himself in need of someone to talk to. All he sent back was “I’m done getting hurt by you.” Maybe I did something I didn’t notice. Some terrible trespass that I overlooked.  I want to ask him to sum up all these hurts, just as I did above, but that does seem callous. So I will let him have his pain and I will have the happy memories that we shared. The pain is a lesson and not something to cling to otherwise I will never move on and find happiness.

Greeting Readers!

My name is Brandi. 

You’re average Middle American young woman working to etch out her own life. I have my faults, I’ll be the first to tell you that, but I work hard to overcome them and find happiness in my life with what I have. I recently went through a break-up from a bad relationship. I grew-up enough where my ex couldn’t control me any longer and cut ties. One of my next few posts will go further in depth about that situation and everything I learned from it.

But now I want to focus on me and what I am doing now!

I am twenty-one and living at home with my mother and step-father. I am no-where close to where I thought 

I’d be back in high school. I am making progress to get back on track.

I am beginning to have goals and plans again!

I have a job and I am paying my own bills, which right now are only student loans and phone. It pained me every time I asked my mother or grandmother for money it keep my phone active.

I am in the process of going back to school, a local community college to salvage my GPA from my freshman year when I dropped out.

I am an artist and I want to keep that part of my life. I dream of having my work hang in a gallery.

I enjoy writing, I want to be published!

I want to take a solo trip to Ireland!

I’m getting a tattoo! It’s a beautiful Celtic-knot shamrock with the phrase “Tada gan iarracht”, which is Gaelic for “Nothing without effort.” I feel that sums up my life philosophy.

I am reconnecting with friends I had from high school and college and I am working at making new friends.

This all seems pretty random and lacking any continuity, and for that I apologize. I promise that my future posts will have more structure.

This is just meant to be an introduction to give everyone an idea of where I am right now. My next few posts will be brief histories to help you readers, know me and how I’ve gotten to be myself, now.

I really hope that sharing my thoughts and experiences will make me a stronger person and remind me of everything I have to look forward to.

BSM