I'm Alive!!!

But I had felt like I was dying!

A major exaggeration, but I had been rather ill lately. It began on a Monday, my first day off in over a week and I noticed some swelling in the lymph nodes on the sides of my neck. Particularly the left side, it was about the size of a gumball. Big enough to cast it's own shadow!

And like any uninsured American college student, I decided to wait it out. The lump grew bigger... At it's biggest it was the length of my index finder. My ears became sore, my sinuses became congested, and my throat began to swell and developed a white coating. I waited it all out a week before I decided, I needed antibiotics.

As an uninsured college student, medical attention is not in my budget. So the first place I tried was a clinic at a well known warehouse retail store. I was flat out turned away when they saw my neck. I then tried a local  urgent care walk-in clinic. For the uninsured to be seen there they have to pay an upfront fee. $140.00, plus lab fees, prescriptions, etc. I was $15 short and once again turned away.

My final visit was to an urgent care of a local hospital. They also charged an upfront fee. $170.00. I'm not going to lie, I began to cry. I had been turned away twice already and I just wanted to feel better! I have a job and I wasn't hoping to get help and dodge the bill!

The receptionist really took pity on me. I was able to pay $100, up front and they billed me for the rest. I was seen quickly and had three possible prognoses: strep, tonsillitis, or mono. Considering that no matter what I had I would be give the same prescriptions, I was able to skip out on the lab tests. And to top it off the doctor that examined me, gave me a 15% discount as an independent payer.

Just Like Vanity Fair!

Here are the questions Ms. H used in my Composition class. I thought I would actually fill them all out. 1) To give you readers a better feel for how I tick. And 2) to give myself something to write about.

What is your favorite word?

Love. I look forward to hearing it one day from the right person.

What is your least favorite word?

Sphincter. Enough said.

What turns you on creatively, spiritually, or emotionally?

When someone is so passionate about something that they lose themselves. They behave like no one is watching. Watching them can only make me smile.

What turns you off?

One-sidedness, people that are more than willing to get but not to give. Bigotry, I grew up being taught to give everyone the benefit-of-a-doubt. It's all about action not appearance or personal lifestyle. And hypocrisy.

What sound or noise do you love?

I'm a hopeless romantic. I love the sound of a smooch.

What sound or noise do you hate?

The sound of someone vomiting it particular revolting. There are also certain people's voices that I cannot stand.

What is your idea of perfect happiness?

Contentment. Waking up and not feeling the need to be elsewhere.

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?

When someone makes me feel as though there is something wrong with me. I dated a guy that fed my insecurities and then mocked me for having them. I was miserable and filled with self-loathing.

Which historical figure do you most identify with?

Margret King Moore. Namely because she's Irish and was not afraid to break tradition from her family.

Which living person do you most admire?

My grandmother has been the largest influence in my life. Without her, I doubt I would have made it this far.

On what occasion do you lie? 

Once I've worn out the truth. You can only be honest so many times and be told you're lying before you cave and tell people what they expect to hear. I am getting better about telling the truth, and when someone doubts me, replying with a sound "Fuck off!"

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

I would give myself a stronger self-confidence. Which is something I am working on and plan to achieve.

What is your most treasured possession? 

My glasses. Without them, I would not be able to function. I also enjoy my sense of humor and a ring I received for my 19th birthday inscribed with Gandhi's "Be the change you wish to see in the world."

What is your greatest achievement?

I'm the first person in my family to attend college. I intend to be the first to graduate and maybe even start a business. We'll see!

What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?

I would like to be a barista. Actual bar tending might also be fun. Either way I'm learning to mix drinks, and having an attitude is a must.

What profession would you not like to do?

The one I'm in now. Customer service. Even worse, customer service where the customer is always right and I'm a bitch if I believe otherwise.

If you died and came back as a person or thing what do you think it would be?

I'd like to have a go at being a guy. Just to be so naturally oblivious could be nice. All joking aside, I do think it could be interesting to see things from their perspective.

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? 

"I told you so!" 
I'm openly agnostic. And it's not because I don't think there is a god. It's because I've never gotten any kind of comfort or reassurance from worshiping. Going to church is just awkward for me. 
There is too much war over little details, when the big moral messages are pretty much the same thing state over again, by someone different. I have religious friends, the fact that they get comfort and joy from the experience is awesome, but it just doesn't do anything for me. 
And zealots are annoying. I've met as many non-believing zealots as I have God fearing ones and it's the same thing. They just try and yell "You're wrong and an idiot for your beliefs!" louder than the other. There is no open discussion.

Went Back to School Today!

Today I returned to college! Now, I only had two classes today, so my schooling is done until 9 pm tomorrow night....

I'm taking Political Science and Composition I. Both are taught by women. Two very different kinds of women. Dr. S teaches the PoliSci and gave us extra credit just for showing up on the first day. Then she followed up with a Pop quiz that we reviewed in class. We also have a take home quiz that is due Wednesday. The class was light-hearted, but she delved right into the subject matter.

Ms. H is teaching Composition! When I first saw her, I thought she was a student. Not because she's young, because she wasn't well put together. She didn't look professional or have any air of confidence to mark her as an authority figure. Throughout the class she failed to keep track of time, stay on topic and didn't even touch any subject matter. It was a weak experience 

We played an introduction/icebreaker game using the Proust/Pivot Questionnaire, which Ms. H was excited to inform us was used by Vanity Fair! It was the first day, I'm going to give her another chance, but right now I'm afraid I can't take her seriously and that is going to make it harder for me to take the subject matter seriously. 

You Really Have Got to be Kidding Me!

Talking caveman era here!

Online dating it weird! There are good, sweet guys out there. I found one.

But there is also this guy:

"Please I wanted u first"

This is the response I got when he found out someone else had the balls to ask me to be exclusive with them.

I do not operate on a Dibs-System. Nor, is it a first come, first served. I went with the guy that I felt was the most straight forward and I had more in common with.

For the word go I couldn't shake the feeling that all this guy wanted was to get laid. Maybe I misread the numbers of shirtless pics and offer for more. Ask Jewels there is no graceful way to receive a penor picture.

My advice: When a girl does not ask for pictures, do not send them just because she was generous enough to give you her number. And do not send an uninvited picture and get disappointed when you do not get one back.


Maybe the excessive use of the words "beautiful" and "gorgeous" when applied to a short plus size 20-something like me. I do have a healthy self-esteem, but I am also realistic. In comparison to societal norm, I am not what is portrayed as beautiful. Sad for American society, yes, but true.

My advice: Be honest and specific. "Nice big booty!" while crass is more sincere and thus flattering for being so. Maybe I'm just weird, but when complements lack specifics I cannot take them seriously.

And just maybe it was when you blew off my invite for lunch that I decided to move forward to someone else. What? Your phone die and you didn't have one for "like 4 days"! And when you got a new phone all your contacts were gone! Oh my goodness, all must be forgiven! ERRRR!

My advice: When you meet someone online there is a clear alternative to a phone number, that you can use to contact them. You knew where to find me. And even if it took "4 days", you had the means (eventually).

And for my final advice: Just try not to be this guy.

Honesty for Single Girls

I recently read a very interesting article over on the site of the lovely Indie Chicks.

This is something I had to tackle recently. I've been dating, and seeing that I'm not in a relationship, I didn't see any qualms about seeing two or three guys at once. Dating multiple people is new to me, so I approached it in the way I felt would hurt everyone the least. 

Honestly.

Guy B asked why I couldn't meet him until much later. I told him Guy A had already asked for coffee date planned for that afternoon. And he shrugged it off! Although, what I thought was going to be a late afternoon coffee, turned into late night coffee and I had to take a rain check. I told him I was headed to dinner with Guy B. And yeah, he admitted he was disappointed, but we're still talking and going to the movies when he arrives back in town.

Honesty has paid off for me. And I have gotten to know some really great guys.

I'm Fuckin' Awesome!

After putting up with being put down for two years I have to come to terms with that fact that I am amazing and deserve so much more than he had to offer!

I am a redhead! There are only 2% of us in the entire world! You should treasure that rarity of my presence!

I'm going back to college. And I'm going to rock!

I became a manger at work in 3 months.

I am an awesome artist!

I am a truly honest individual.

I've lost 90 lbs in the last year.

Everything I have, I've paid for myself! This included college!

I am an awesome cook!

My sense of humor is wicked.

I'm am a plethora of useful, useless information. 

And you know this is a good practice. If you don't have the time to sit down and make an "I'm Fuckin' Awesome" List, make the time to tell yourself once a day, why you are the greatest!

BOOYAH!

I'm a college student, again!
I'm so excited. I start back in January. I'm going to juggle school and working full time and I am going to Succeed dammit! (Yes, it's important enough to capitalize!)
I'm starting out with your most basic or college courses. My only conundrum is Computer Sciences or Psychology, or even Art! Gosh. My future still feels so tenuous.
All the aptitude tests point me in the direction of computers and that is the field that offers the biggest job growth and security.
And psychology is something that has always interested me.
And art is my passion. My passion isn't very profitable, but I'm hoping that between the computer field and psychology there will always be room for art in my life.
I'm just super happy to be going back to school. Thought I would share that with you all.

Apartment Living

Well, I've been apartment hunting for a minute now. After budgeting my pay I can afford something for around $335 a month. So no, I am not going to be living in luxary, but I may have a place to call my own!

Now here is my dilemma.  To have roommate or not to have roommate.
My Plan A: Save up enough money to get my own place (no roommate) for the deposit and rent for a couple of months. Under my schedule, I was going to be moving out of my parent's in February. This would give me the time to get all the household essentials together without killing my bank account. I need furniture, dishware, cutlery, cleaning supplies, towels, etc.

Plan B: I think this was kind of thrust upon me and I am really leery about it. I was contemplating getting a roommate to afford a better place. I mentioned this to a coworker and now that she's having marital problems she's offering to be a roommate. The problems start with the fact that I don't know her very well. We get along great at work. I think we could even be friends, but I don't know how well I can rely on her. She is in a big hurry to get a new place, but she doesn't seem to realize how long the process can take. She wants to move tomorrow, and the place I was able to find will be ready the 15th. What is worse is that I don't trust her budgeting skills. She says that this week she can contribute $80 to the apartment. We need to pay a deposit, the first month's rent and pay to have utilities turned on, probably around $800 to finish everything up.
The only saving grace about this place is if I have to pay the full deposit and utility activation myself, I can keep everything in my name. I can even afford the full rent on my own. So, if she completely flakes on me, I won't be obligated to keep her around and can find a different roommate. 

Living on my own, I wouldn't have to rely on someone to supply the other half of the rent and utilities, if something went wrong it would be my fault, my failure. If I have a roommate, it would make things that much more affordable and make going back to school easier to pay for. It's just scary having to rely on someone else for so much!

Everything is happening much faster than I would have preferred, but it doesn't mean the end of the world. I think I can do this. I just have to take the bitch-slap life dealt me and go on.

The Ex

I’m newly single.

I met my first real serious boyfriend when I was away at college. Oddly enough it was a boy from home that I didn’t even remember adding to my Facebook. He began chatting with me while I was at school and when I came home for Winter break we actually met for the first time. I wasn’t stupid about it. We met in a very public place, I got myself there and home.

I don’t want to say that he was abusive because I feel it is a very serious accusation that should never be tossed around lightly. He never hit me, maybe it would have been easier for me to leave if that’s what he did. No, he fed into my insecurities, and exploited them.

Before we even met I told him up front that I was a heavy girl. He told me the usual line, “I just care about personality, and you’re nice and funny. I don’t care how you look.” Then the very first night I stayed at his place we were cuddling when he asked how I felt about losing twenty pounds. (At my heaviest I was 283 lbs. I am now 190 lbs) That should have been it for me, but I knew that I was unhealthy and I needed a change, so I justified it in my head as him caring about my well-being.

While I was at school, I became very depressed and homesick, I stopped going to classes and rarely left the room. I decided it was time for me to withdraw from my classes and come home. That’s the first time he broke up with me. I remember him telling him that I didn’t fit into his mind set as a proper potential life. He helps run his family business and there was no way he could be respected with someone like me in his life. And then he told me “It’s really a shame because I will never find anyone better than me.”

Once I was home, I began talking with him again and we started seeing each other again. He told me up front that we had an “arrangement” but he’d treat me like a girlfriend, but that’s not what I was. Another red flag. After a few months, I was losing weight (2-3 lbs a week) and getting comfortable. That’s when I made the proposal of trying again as his girlfriend. He basically laughed at me and told me not to worry about it that I wasn’t competition against any other the girls he have never met. But I couldn’t walk away from him at this point. I went right back to him.

Then he began actively looking for someone else. His sister suddenly fixed him up with a girl she went to college with. And he told me he was once again done with me. A week go by and he calls me with his sob story of how the girl stood him up, and avoided him and finally told him that she wasn’t interested. I felt bad, it’s a shitty way for anyone to be treated and so I went back.

And then it happened again, guy he was working for said he had the perfect girl to fix him up with. And he actually turned the guy down. I know what happened at this point. He had gotten comfortable with me.

He had started calling me his girlfriend, which is something he had done when we went to parties, because he said it was easier than explaining our situation and embarrassing me, but he had starting doing it around the people that knew us and knew what was going on between us. He never really discussed the change with me, so I had to assume that nothing between us had changed.

One night he told me about a girl he was checking out at lunch and was disappointed that I wasn’t so enthusiastic. He told me that he was always disappointed that I never liked myself. The next night he broke up with me saying that I held me back. That when I visited I never made him study for his GED or practice his essay writing. It was my fault that he had not accomplished any of his goals.

We kept talking as friends; he went to meet a girl one of his coworkers set him up with. She didn’t like him. And once again he turned back to me. I’ll admit that I wasn’t to tell him no, but I didn’t jump and say yes. And that shook him.

We talked for a few more weeks and finally I let him see some of the pain he had caused me. For two years he was the only person to call me up and ask how I was doing, I felt like he was the only friend I had left and I did value that friendship, because we did have fun together. He introduced him to dagorhir and boffer sport that included three day camp outs and late night parties. We shared a joy of gaming, I’m a PlayStation girl and he always had his computer games going. He taught me how to play League of Legends, he liked that I was a gaming girl. We shared anime and manga. I taught him how to make awesome sausage gravy and chicken Alfredo. We did smile together and have fun. And that’s why I wanted to keep the friendship, but when I was finally honest with him I told him, “You’re a great friend, but you were a shitty boyfriend.” He told me he didn’t want to talk to me anymore.

I sent him a message on Facebook saying that I would still be his friend if he ever found himself in need of someone to talk to. All he sent back was “I’m done getting hurt by you.” Maybe I did something I didn’t notice. Some terrible trespass that I overlooked.  I want to ask him to sum up all these hurts, just as I did above, but that does seem callous. So I will let him have his pain and I will have the happy memories that we shared. The pain is a lesson and not something to cling to otherwise I will never move on and find happiness.