I'm Alive!!!

But I had felt like I was dying!

A major exaggeration, but I had been rather ill lately. It began on a Monday, my first day off in over a week and I noticed some swelling in the lymph nodes on the sides of my neck. Particularly the left side, it was about the size of a gumball. Big enough to cast it's own shadow!

And like any uninsured American college student, I decided to wait it out. The lump grew bigger... At it's biggest it was the length of my index finder. My ears became sore, my sinuses became congested, and my throat began to swell and developed a white coating. I waited it all out a week before I decided, I needed antibiotics.

As an uninsured college student, medical attention is not in my budget. So the first place I tried was a clinic at a well known warehouse retail store. I was flat out turned away when they saw my neck. I then tried a local  urgent care walk-in clinic. For the uninsured to be seen there they have to pay an upfront fee. $140.00, plus lab fees, prescriptions, etc. I was $15 short and once again turned away.

My final visit was to an urgent care of a local hospital. They also charged an upfront fee. $170.00. I'm not going to lie, I began to cry. I had been turned away twice already and I just wanted to feel better! I have a job and I wasn't hoping to get help and dodge the bill!

The receptionist really took pity on me. I was able to pay $100, up front and they billed me for the rest. I was seen quickly and had three possible prognoses: strep, tonsillitis, or mono. Considering that no matter what I had I would be give the same prescriptions, I was able to skip out on the lab tests. And to top it off the doctor that examined me, gave me a 15% discount as an independent payer.

Just Like Vanity Fair!

Here are the questions Ms. H used in my Composition class. I thought I would actually fill them all out. 1) To give you readers a better feel for how I tick. And 2) to give myself something to write about.

What is your favorite word?

Love. I look forward to hearing it one day from the right person.

What is your least favorite word?

Sphincter. Enough said.

What turns you on creatively, spiritually, or emotionally?

When someone is so passionate about something that they lose themselves. They behave like no one is watching. Watching them can only make me smile.

What turns you off?

One-sidedness, people that are more than willing to get but not to give. Bigotry, I grew up being taught to give everyone the benefit-of-a-doubt. It's all about action not appearance or personal lifestyle. And hypocrisy.

What sound or noise do you love?

I'm a hopeless romantic. I love the sound of a smooch.

What sound or noise do you hate?

The sound of someone vomiting it particular revolting. There are also certain people's voices that I cannot stand.

What is your idea of perfect happiness?

Contentment. Waking up and not feeling the need to be elsewhere.

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?

When someone makes me feel as though there is something wrong with me. I dated a guy that fed my insecurities and then mocked me for having them. I was miserable and filled with self-loathing.

Which historical figure do you most identify with?

Margret King Moore. Namely because she's Irish and was not afraid to break tradition from her family.

Which living person do you most admire?

My grandmother has been the largest influence in my life. Without her, I doubt I would have made it this far.

On what occasion do you lie? 

Once I've worn out the truth. You can only be honest so many times and be told you're lying before you cave and tell people what they expect to hear. I am getting better about telling the truth, and when someone doubts me, replying with a sound "Fuck off!"

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

I would give myself a stronger self-confidence. Which is something I am working on and plan to achieve.

What is your most treasured possession? 

My glasses. Without them, I would not be able to function. I also enjoy my sense of humor and a ring I received for my 19th birthday inscribed with Gandhi's "Be the change you wish to see in the world."

What is your greatest achievement?

I'm the first person in my family to attend college. I intend to be the first to graduate and maybe even start a business. We'll see!

What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?

I would like to be a barista. Actual bar tending might also be fun. Either way I'm learning to mix drinks, and having an attitude is a must.

What profession would you not like to do?

The one I'm in now. Customer service. Even worse, customer service where the customer is always right and I'm a bitch if I believe otherwise.

If you died and came back as a person or thing what do you think it would be?

I'd like to have a go at being a guy. Just to be so naturally oblivious could be nice. All joking aside, I do think it could be interesting to see things from their perspective.

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? 

"I told you so!" 
I'm openly agnostic. And it's not because I don't think there is a god. It's because I've never gotten any kind of comfort or reassurance from worshiping. Going to church is just awkward for me. 
There is too much war over little details, when the big moral messages are pretty much the same thing state over again, by someone different. I have religious friends, the fact that they get comfort and joy from the experience is awesome, but it just doesn't do anything for me. 
And zealots are annoying. I've met as many non-believing zealots as I have God fearing ones and it's the same thing. They just try and yell "You're wrong and an idiot for your beliefs!" louder than the other. There is no open discussion.

Went Back to School Today!

Today I returned to college! Now, I only had two classes today, so my schooling is done until 9 pm tomorrow night....

I'm taking Political Science and Composition I. Both are taught by women. Two very different kinds of women. Dr. S teaches the PoliSci and gave us extra credit just for showing up on the first day. Then she followed up with a Pop quiz that we reviewed in class. We also have a take home quiz that is due Wednesday. The class was light-hearted, but she delved right into the subject matter.

Ms. H is teaching Composition! When I first saw her, I thought she was a student. Not because she's young, because she wasn't well put together. She didn't look professional or have any air of confidence to mark her as an authority figure. Throughout the class she failed to keep track of time, stay on topic and didn't even touch any subject matter. It was a weak experience 

We played an introduction/icebreaker game using the Proust/Pivot Questionnaire, which Ms. H was excited to inform us was used by Vanity Fair! It was the first day, I'm going to give her another chance, but right now I'm afraid I can't take her seriously and that is going to make it harder for me to take the subject matter seriously. 

You Really Have Got to be Kidding Me!

Talking caveman era here!

Online dating it weird! There are good, sweet guys out there. I found one.

But there is also this guy:

"Please I wanted u first"

This is the response I got when he found out someone else had the balls to ask me to be exclusive with them.

I do not operate on a Dibs-System. Nor, is it a first come, first served. I went with the guy that I felt was the most straight forward and I had more in common with.

For the word go I couldn't shake the feeling that all this guy wanted was to get laid. Maybe I misread the numbers of shirtless pics and offer for more. Ask Jewels there is no graceful way to receive a penor picture.

My advice: When a girl does not ask for pictures, do not send them just because she was generous enough to give you her number. And do not send an uninvited picture and get disappointed when you do not get one back.


Maybe the excessive use of the words "beautiful" and "gorgeous" when applied to a short plus size 20-something like me. I do have a healthy self-esteem, but I am also realistic. In comparison to societal norm, I am not what is portrayed as beautiful. Sad for American society, yes, but true.

My advice: Be honest and specific. "Nice big booty!" while crass is more sincere and thus flattering for being so. Maybe I'm just weird, but when complements lack specifics I cannot take them seriously.

And just maybe it was when you blew off my invite for lunch that I decided to move forward to someone else. What? Your phone die and you didn't have one for "like 4 days"! And when you got a new phone all your contacts were gone! Oh my goodness, all must be forgiven! ERRRR!

My advice: When you meet someone online there is a clear alternative to a phone number, that you can use to contact them. You knew where to find me. And even if it took "4 days", you had the means (eventually).

And for my final advice: Just try not to be this guy.

Obligatory New Year Post

I spent most of the year in a pretty stagnant place. I was living at home, no job, out of school and going to see my ex on the weekends. I was not doing anything to really make myself better. Yes, I was sticking with the lifestyle changes I implemented to get my weight and health under control, but beyond that I wasted half this year.

The first big up swing for me was finding a job. My ex would hound me about my lack of employment, but in all honestly, he works for his father and never had to fill out a job application in all his life, let alone survive an interview with a potential employer.

I say job, because there is no passion in what I am doing, it’s not really helping me achieve my career goals, but it is teaching me how to be more political and deal with people. And my timing was great; the store was very short staffed and was having trouble holding on to employees. Four people came and went since I had started.

In three months, I was in middle management!

But then I kind of let it sit there. I had my job, I was with a “great” guy and I was content. But not really doing anything spectacular.

And then something just sort of clicked. I started doing the things I wanted to do. Before, if I wanted to go downtown and checkout the local galleries I’d try and get a friend to go with me, if I couldn’t I would just stay home.

It was like I decided if I couldn’t do it myself, then I wasn’t going to be doing anything I loved. I didn’t go downtown to meet new people. I talked to a few, but never stuck around them to hang out. It was pure me time.

I was getting comfortable going solo when the break-up happened. I was blamed for what he wasn’t accomplishing. It hurt a lot, but it made me think, “It’s not MY fault that HE isn’t logging off the computer long enough to study.” It also reminded me that it is my fault that I wasn’t back in school! It was my own fault that I was living at home, still being cared for by my parents.

It helped me realize that I don’t need the other people to get my ass in gear. I started making list. First, it was little lists of chores that needed to get done around the house. Then it was bigger goals. I opened my own bank account. I re-enrolled myself in college. Did all the financial aid paperwork and registering by myself.  I made a realistic budget and am prepping to move into my own apartment.

I saw a huge amount of self-growth in the end of 2012. And I’m excited to keep that going in 2013!

I did miss out on my New Year’s kiss, and that did bum me a bit, but IM and I are still new and nervous, so I can’t hold it against him. We’re talking me and about issues we both have. It makes me hopeful that I can obtain my happiness and share it as well.

Have a great 2013 everyone. Keep in touch! And keep growing. I intend to!

Gotta Get My Big Girl Pants On

I wrote my last post about a week ago. Things have changed for me in the past week, but I still published it because I feel the ideas in the post have value.

I'm still talking to Guys A and B (lets call them JB and IM, from now on), but I am feeling much more for one than the other. JB hasn't returned from his trip to Indiana, so we're still only talked, but I've actually got to meet IM and see him in his comfort zone. I've met his parents, but invited to their Christmas.

Like I'm new to dating multiple people, I'm new to to concept of having to choose between guys.

I can't see a long term future with JB. Our beliefs are very different, I'm agnostic and he's a devote Christian. And while he says he values my opinions and thinks it's going to make for good conversations, I really can believe that it would be that easy . Even if he doesn't judge me, I feel that some of his friends will and his family. I can't pretend to be something I'm not, and I don't want to have to hide any aspect of myself.

We've already talked about sex and previous relationship. I look forward to having sex with my boyfriend, sharing that experience with him. In my view point sex isn't something that you should be ashamed of, it's just another aspect of life. JB regrets loosing his virginity and wants to remain abstinent until he finds a wife. I completely respect his decision, but it shows a serious clash in our opinions that can create tensions in a relationship, I don't want to become a regret if things didn't work out.

IM has an amazing passion for music. I have a wide taste in musical genres and while my tastes vary I don't have any real knowledge of the classics. IM does and his is enthusiastic to teach me. It's great that we can share that with each other. I like that he will just think of this perfect song that I have to hear. He's a normal guy and it's comforting. I can see him at family gathering and hanging out with my friends and there being no awkwardness.

His biggest issue is that he was cheated on by a previous girlfriend and the jealousy has already reared it's head. I truly hope that consistency, patience and honesty will help reassure him that if we take our relationship to the next level I am someone that he can trust.

Now I just have to approach this honestly.